Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
