No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
