Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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