I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
