You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
