I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
