ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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