I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
