Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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