My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
