They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
