I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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