You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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