there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
