I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
