i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
