Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize