I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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