1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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