remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
