Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
