WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize