Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
false alarm. still invincible.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
