ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
