Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
