im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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