Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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