Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
third nipple confirmed
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
