I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize