My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
