Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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