Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
