I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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