i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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