i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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