Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Why is your signature on my underwear?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize