she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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