Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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