so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
