No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Randomize