he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I could fuck to npr.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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