I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
