Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize