All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
