There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
