he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
