If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
