I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
