The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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