my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
