I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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