well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
