Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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