My Higher Power is John Stamos
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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