i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
