She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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