My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
