Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i love accidental penises.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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