just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
