Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
