I think I died a long time ago.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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